My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. The first time we were physically intimate it took him almost an hour to just kiss me because he was shaking so much. He hasn’t had physical contact with anyone for four years. He says his last breakup was traumatic. Since then, he has found it hard to maintain an erection, even while watching porn.
When we are together, I touch him and myself and, when I’m close to climax, I give him oral sex so we orgasm together. He doesn’t kiss me any more and doesn’t touch me intimately, apart from my breasts. He says I have to be patient because he hasn’t had sex for years. He cannot understand why he is not able to maintain an erection with me.
I am starting to feel self-conscious and cheap. I am bigger than his normal type and I feel like this is the problem. I asked him why he’s with me; he says it’s because he can spend hours talking to me, and he feels comfortable with me. Should I be patient with him or am I setting myself up for heartbreak?
You have set yourself up as his caretaker and, while that may be fulfilling for you in many ways, it is probably not erotically inspiring. It has also made you question the unspoken contract between you … which seems to be: you take care of him in every possible way but he does little to reciprocate. If this is correct, I can certainly understand if you are feeling that you deserve more. Would you say you have healthy self-esteem? Some people put up with this kind of contract because, deep down, they do not believe they deserve – or can receive – better. Think carefully about why you have come to be in this position and whether or not it is what you truly want. You can always negotiate for more attention, more kindness, more appreciation or anything else you feel he could give you but withholds. Make him recognise just how special you are, and how lucky he is to have you in his life.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
